Joke Bar

[Joe]

Why parents drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Firemen," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

till whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

"ME."

[Merlin]

A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy,



Dear Tech Support,



Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jeweler applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.



In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.



Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.



Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.



What can I do?



Signed,



Desperate Woman



DEAR DESPERATE Madam,



First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.



Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.htmland try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jeweler 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.



However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.



Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 under any circumstances (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)



In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.



In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.



Good Luck Madam!



Tech Support

[tommy3453]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when
all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?'

'Ees bacon I am sure of eet.'


'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee'.



So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture ..

there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...

every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.



'Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!

Eet EES a bacon tree!'



'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?

We ees in the Desert don't forget.'



'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage
that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage,
ees a bacon tree'.



And with that ...Luis races toward the tree.

He gets to within 5 metres, with Pepe following closely behind, when
all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his
tracks.



It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he
manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.


'Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree.'



'Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?'



'Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...




Ees..........






Ees...




Ees.........






Ees....






... Eees a Ham Bush!'

[mark_n]

I've just been researching a "father of the bride" speech for my dad and I found this,

enjoy....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying-'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product. he just wasn't sure how to position it.

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was . . . -God I miss him!

So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."

"Why is that," asked the lawyer. "Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!

[Mark]

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"



The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

[niki]

[Big_Tim]

Can you guess which one...?!?!?

[Merlin]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXq93VImX7w&feature=related

[roland and meg]

Concentration test for men.

http://www.gjk2.com/test/test.swf

And following several requests

a concentration test for Women

http://www.concentrationtest.com/for_women/

[roland and meg]

Some surprising medical facts for you to consider whilst going about your daily chores today:

1) No-one in the entire world can touch all their own teeth with their tongue.

2) Mad people everywhere are now trying this.

4) You've just tried, and discovered this to be untrue.

5) Now you're sitting there with a crazed smile on your face.

5) Bet you didn't notice that I'd skipped number 3!

6) And now you've gone back to check.

7) Bet you didn't notice that I'd skipped number 6 either.

8) Fooled again...

9) Bet you didn't notice that number 5 appears twice!

10) Now that hopefully you've got a smile on your face, remember that that's what it's all about, and go back to your daily chores...