Joke Bar

[mike]

TERRORIST WARNING

al qaeda have hidden bombs in tins of alphabetti spaghetti, if they go off it could spell disaster.


mike

[Joe]

Family Xmas.

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your Mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
'They're both coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.

[Merlin]

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.


Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

[Merlin]

Subject: FW: Paddy jokes and an important message

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole bed by the looks of it!'

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Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

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Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5.. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on
Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the
head to which point Paddy said 'I dont think thats her, she wasnt that tall!'

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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking
like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

[Darren]

Pedigree Pet foods are another victim of the downturn and have gone bust.
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They have called in the Retrievers

[tommy3453]

The Weather Man


A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.

He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and
respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.

After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There
wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone it simply wasn't going to rain.

He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all
of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud
heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.

They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other.

During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That
morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.

"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."

His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"
!
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To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"

(Oh dear! Sorry about that.)

[Mojo]

Oh Tommy Tommy Tommy, that was bad, real bad!!!

Got anymore though???

Hope to see you soon and Merry Christmas mate x

[tommy3453]

This one's especially for Mojo

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for an unusual gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much of a singer. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cigarette lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet to her and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely amazed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. With his curiosity aroused, the husband relocates the lighter as his wife suggested and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

(Ouch!)

Oh and by the way wishing you and Dave and Catelyn( hope it's spelt right) a fantastic Christmas and a great New Year

Ian and Linda

That also goes to everyone on the forum Cheers

[Mark]

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.


As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use th e car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult.. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She w ould bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut..

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up t o me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home..

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell into a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

[Pete]

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong? Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Women will never be equal to men.. until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.