Joke Bar

[Pete]

Very good.....

[Joe]

Teachers and Cops....Got to love em.

READ AND GRIN A LITTLE
These are actual comments made on students'
report cards by teachers in the New York City
public school system.

All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are
these funny!!!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock
bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village some where of an 'idiot'.
5. Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently
fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic
thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to
be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created
this child, beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely
dead.

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual
police car videos around the country:

13. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the
one you just went through."
14. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They stretch after awhile."
15. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."
16. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
17. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be
chasing you."
18. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess
that means I can write anything I want to on the
ticket, huh?"
19. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am
the shift supervisor?"
20. "Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
21. "The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
22. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and
corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
23. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
gets a toaster oven."
24. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
25. "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
26. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to,
but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as
we can."
27. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a
personal friend of yours. So you know someone
who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

28. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[Mojo]

[Mojo]

Why did the jelly roll?


Cause it saw the 'apple turn-over'

(Couldn't resist - CBeebies has a lot to answer for!)

[Joe]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE - What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park..
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £2000. Morning-suit rental-£100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time..
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife..
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.


NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[Gunther]

Hi Joe,
my wife had quite some laughs .

[Mojo]

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

P.S. They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen (Gunther that's one for you )

[Mojo]

A doctor in Ireland wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.


"Paddy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:

"So,Paddy, how was your day?"

Paddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Paddy"Bravo, bravo!



You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table width='100%', spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Paddy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

[Joe]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the clerk. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)




The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

[Mojo]

Not another one of your's Joe, you obviously took the swearing out!!!

How bout getting the other on-line???