Dog/Cat Diary

[kim]

got this in an e-mail, and thought I would share it.


Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Diary...



Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash
or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations
perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my
strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could
hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due
to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it
to my advantage..

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The
dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be
more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now.........

Kim

[Merlin]

How to clean a toilet



This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.



1. Put both lids of the toilet up

And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.




2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.



3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to sit on the lid.


4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.


5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.



6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.



7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.



8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
And run outside where he will dry himself off.



9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

[suelipscomb]

only just saw this, brilliant!
Sue