Joke Bar

[Mojo]

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a
beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...they
have frozen glasses... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and
took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing,
dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN S**T.. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT S**T IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'

and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP!!!!!!! ha ha ha

[Mark]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20.00......

On one condition'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....






'Clean my house.'

[Merlin]

A petrol station in Ireland was trying to increase its sales, so the owner
put up a sign reading,

'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon a local, Paddy, pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free
sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly,
he would get his free sex.

Paddy then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number
was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy comes along with his mate, Barney, and pulled in for a
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
correct number.

Paddy guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 4. You
were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Barney said to Paddy, 'I think that game is
rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No, it ain't rigged, Barney. It ain't rigged.....
me Missus won twice last week......

[Drew]

This is a long one. But I laughed my socks off.

How to Give a Cat a Pill (followed by How to Give a Dog a Pill)

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop in the pill. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor, and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrapper. Cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force open the jaws and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6.Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws, ignoring low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigourously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, and get another pill from foil wrapper. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth, and set aside for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel, and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil, and blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take awy taste of pill. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage, and replace cupboard door on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check medical records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw away tee-shirt and fetch another one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve ****ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrapper.
13. Tie the little sod’s front paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Fetch heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth, followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm, and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call in at furniture shop on the way home, to order new dining table.
15. Place “Free Mutant Cat from Hell” ad in local newspaper and ring local pet shop to see if they have any bunnies.

How to Give a Dog a Pill

Wrap it in bacon.

[Perivleptos]

If they steal your toasties from the refrigerator ........

[wrinklypear]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner,we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs er,rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!'

[wrinklypear]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service --

[Mark]

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping.

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in
Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.



Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10.. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no
toilet paper in here.'

[Daryl]

Ive not done all of those, so now I have a few more to add to my arsnal!

Thanks Mr Murray!!

[Merlin]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tc0KIQBf7zU