Joke Bar

[Joe]

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.'Two years older than me', 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
> Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over K-Mart. 'K-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why K-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!


Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing

[niki]

Dear friends,

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the s**t out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.

[Joe]

This explains why I forward jokes


A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?''
This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.
'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.

Soooo ..

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered , you are still important , you are still loved , you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

you are all welcome @ my water bowl !!!!!

[niki]

I got these emailed over today and they made me laugh and it really hurt!!!! But I thought I would share them.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too'.


And then the fight started.....

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*

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed,
'She's my old girlfriend'. I understand she took to drinking right
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since.

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'


And then the fight started.....

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*

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get Soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my
car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked
down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'


And then the fight started.....

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*

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The
husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.


And then the fight started.....

[Daryl]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'

[Trackerdog]

Dental Appointment


A Scotsman phones his dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.


'£85 for an extraction, sir' the dentist replied.


'£85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper...?'


'That's the normal charge,' said the dentist.


'Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic...?'


'That's unusual,sir, but we could do it and knock, say, £15 off.'


'Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic...?'


'I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to, say, £40'.


'How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?'


'It'll certainly be good for the students', mulled the dentist. 'but it will be very traumatic, and I'll still have to charge you £5.'


'Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal,' said the Scotsman.

'Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then.. ?'

[Joe]

THE BANANA TEST.


There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,

a Lion, a Monkey, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the
tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . .. Try and answer within 10 seconds

Got your answer?

If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.

Chimpanzee = you're a moron.

Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.

Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.


A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

Obviously you're stressed and overworked.

You should take some time off and relax!

Try again next year.

[Merlin]

A lawyer and Paddy are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that all Paddy's are so dim that he could get one over on them easily........

So the lawyer asks if Paddy would like to play a fun game?. Paddy is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5. You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500'.

This catches Paddy's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?'

Paddy doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-pound note and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's Paddy's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone; he searches the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up Paddy and hands him £500.

Paddy pockets the £500 goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes Paddy up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

Paddy reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.

[Mojo]

Nice one Seamus

[Joe]

'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'

So - if you give her kak, you will get a bucket full of s??t.